An open heart
Earlier today I was disappointed that I lost a weeks worth of blogs. Reality knocked at my door and reminded me not to be disappointed, not to worry too much about the small things, not plan so much as life has a way of waking you up.
2 Days ago I had a conversation with my big brother. He was saying to me that he has noticed that I do not write from the heart that much lately. I was about to say something, but I know what he said was true. Most of my friends has said - you have a bohemian way about you. The part that they like, but fear at the same time. Never quite sure about what I may say or do. The part that speaks from the heart, through the throat and to ears. Ears that do not always want to hear. It is this bohemian ways, childlike ways, open and vulnerable and sincere and sometimes silly and stupid, but never malicous that I have been hiding the past year.
I have spent the past year pretty much in isolation. It was good. You can just be. Be bohemian on your own. You can be vulnerable without being taking advantage of. I know what has made me make this decition. I was happy to live like this for the rest of my life. Until last night.
I received a call from a friend. She was choking on her tears. Her mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She is trying to get a flight 6000 miles away to be with her mother.
I went to see her today. It is 12 years and 4 months since I had that same call. I felt my heart open up, my breathing change and my throat tightening up. The tears involuntary started rolling down my cheeks. It was like I was back to that Friday my father phoned me.
We took a walk in her garden this afternoon. She ahs a beautiful English garden. Flowers, each has a story about a special friend. See, before I decided to shut myself off, I had shared very deep feelings with L. Feelings I have shared with only a few people. It is these conversations that today was the topic of the journey that lies ahead. As she was crying and explaining to me the physical pain in her heart, I felt it. I know what it feels like. I have been there many times at experiencing loss. Great loss. The sadness for which there is no description. The pain you do not have a tablet for. The words- I just want to be there and hold her, she feels so small and fragile- a memory of my own loss.
When we send message to each other last week, I could only describe how I feel without my mother. There are times when you need to talk to someone that is non judgemental, just understanding and who loves you so much that nothing else matters. That is the love, a mother has for her child or children. It's this, that I miss. It is this space that never can be filled. Everyday I look at my son, I realise how special every second is.
I have just received a call. L's mother has sadly just passed away. Please keep her in your hearts.
xxx
I have spent the past year pretty much in isolation. It was good. You can just be. Be bohemian on your own. You can be vulnerable without being taking advantage of. I know what has made me make this decition. I was happy to live like this for the rest of my life. Until last night.
I received a call from a friend. She was choking on her tears. Her mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She is trying to get a flight 6000 miles away to be with her mother.
I went to see her today. It is 12 years and 4 months since I had that same call. I felt my heart open up, my breathing change and my throat tightening up. The tears involuntary started rolling down my cheeks. It was like I was back to that Friday my father phoned me.
We took a walk in her garden this afternoon. She ahs a beautiful English garden. Flowers, each has a story about a special friend. See, before I decided to shut myself off, I had shared very deep feelings with L. Feelings I have shared with only a few people. It is these conversations that today was the topic of the journey that lies ahead. As she was crying and explaining to me the physical pain in her heart, I felt it. I know what it feels like. I have been there many times at experiencing loss. Great loss. The sadness for which there is no description. The pain you do not have a tablet for. The words- I just want to be there and hold her, she feels so small and fragile- a memory of my own loss.
When we send message to each other last week, I could only describe how I feel without my mother. There are times when you need to talk to someone that is non judgemental, just understanding and who loves you so much that nothing else matters. That is the love, a mother has for her child or children. It's this, that I miss. It is this space that never can be filled. Everyday I look at my son, I realise how special every second is.
I have just received a call. L's mother has sadly just passed away. Please keep her in your hearts.
xxx
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